Entry 001: cracks of the mind

 

Cracks of the mind

Does it ever feel like you're just stuck in time?

Like you live through every day, but nothing new ever happens. Like you're trapped in this endless cycle where you can't get to where you want to be. It feels like you're moving backwards, until you realise the twist isn't that you're moving backwards at all.

You're simply not moving.

These days, it feels like nothing has been going my way. Not because something bad is happening, but because nothing is happening. I watch people on TV and wonder what they did to get where they are.

Why them?

Maybe that sounds stupid or even bratty. But I think it's a valid question for someone who wants something so badly yet can't seem to get there.

I wouldn't say I envy them or that I'm jealous of them .

I'm more jealous of the fact that I'm not where I want to be.

I'm jealous that I can't seem to stay motivated. That every time I open TikTok, I tell myself it'll only be one more video, and somehow it never is, somehow I lack so much discipline I scroll for hours but it ends up feeling like DAYS. I'm jealous because I wonder, sometimes, if I'll ever truly make it.

Most people would probably say, "If you wanted it badly enough, you'd just do it."

But in ways that are unexplainable, I just can't.

Or maybe I can.

Maybe it's just that I don't believe I can.

I've tried.

I've tried.

And then I've tried some more.

But trying doesn't mean something is going to happen. Trying is the delusion that hope will turn into result, that trying will produce your desired outcome.

Trying is hope.

And sometimes trying only leads to exhaustion. Exhaustion turns into depression, and depression becomes a river made from your own thoughts—a river you slowly begin to drown in.

I'm not saying don't try, but I'm saying regardless of the result trying is the only thing we can do aside from doing nothing.

Everything in life feels like a fifty-fifty chance that maybe something will finally happen for you.

Or maybe it won't.

People always say everything happens for a reason.

 Maybe they're right.

 but still the question that remains is:

Why me?

But maybe the question shouldn't be why.

Maybe it should be...

How?

The thing about being human is that we're emotional. We do things based on feelings because whether you want to think with your mind or not. We like to believe we're logical, but the moment rejection walks through the door, logic seems to disappear. We become sad.

We stop working.

We stop trying.

We stop believing.

But I think not hearing rejection—or acceptance—is somehow worse.

No answer.

No direction.

Just silence.

Not knowing whether to keep going or to stop. Not knowing whether to be hopeful or disappointed. Just existing somewhere in between, sitting in confusion.

Maybe that's the hardest part.

People will tell you the answer is simple.

keep going.

But what if you don't know how?