BOREDOM MAKES YOU DO STRANGE THINGS
My life has been awfully boring... I start to wonder how long it will stay boring. Maybe weeks, months, years, or perhaps this is how it will be forever?
The thought of that, to me, is equivalent to being told to sit in the same position for hours and not being able to move, no matter how much you want to. I hate it.
My mind seems to hate it the most, so it started to crave something that makes it think, something to occupy it except for the regular thoughts of eat, sleep, study, wish and repeat.
Something that has a purpose bigger than days that feel like the blank pages of an old notebook. It starts to crave and seek out action that triggers an emotion... any emotion.
Bingo. My mind finds what seems to occupy it.
I start almost obsessing over it, but I'm not self-aware enough to realize it. I start daydreaming so much to the point I start actually dreaming about this thing.
It occupies my every waking thought because there is nothing interesting enough that will.
I start to use Instagram more often than I would, waiting to see what he would post, but being too scared to actually talk to him, although it's not like he would respond.
I start to look at his reposts on TikTok because I assume you can see what someone is actually like, but there is little to nothing... so I get disappointed, but my mind takes it as a challenge, something to consume it, thus I just keep looking... I keep thinking.
what if...
how about...
there is a reason...
text him, Text him, TEXT HIM.
Thoughts that shouldn't even concern me but yet they seem to, according to, well, me.
That's when the realization hits. Not the one that says, "you're obsessing over something to entertain your mind and delude yourself that life is interesting."
No, something even better, one that screams, "today is different and every day after that too." ...or so it feels like.
But now I wonder as I write this.
If I did fully talk to this guy, if I got to know him on a different level than I already do, would I still like him? Do I even like him right now?
Yes, I do. I mean, he likes the things I like.
He is physically my type
on top of that, he does hobbies I really admire.
We have so much in common...
But what else?
I mean, is that really it?
I mean, sure, that's a lot, but it's also nothing at all.
What do I like, like about him? If anything.
I don't know how I feel lately.
I don't know how to categorize anything I feel at this stage because it all feels fake.
Fabricated to suit a delusion that I have so much going on in my life that I can't bear it.
That's sad.
It makes me wanna ask myself.
Do you really like him, Blair?
Do you even know what you like?
I don't know blair... I really don't know.
My life has been awfully boring... I start to wonder how long it will stay boring. Maybe weeks, months, years, or perhaps this is how it will be forever?
The thought of that, to me, is equivalent to being told to sit in the same position for hours and not being able to move, no matter how much you want to. I hate it.
My mind seems to hate it the most, so it started to crave something that makes it think, something to occupy it except for the regular thoughts of eat, sleep, study, wish and repeat.
Something that has a purpose bigger than days that feel like the blank pages of an old notebook. It starts to crave and seek out action that triggers an emotion... any emotion.
Bingo. My mind finds what seems to occupy it.
I start almost obsessing over it, but I'm not self-aware enough to realize it. I start daydreaming so much to the point I start actually dreaming about this thing.
It occupies my every waking thought because there is nothing interesting enough that will.
I start to use Instagram more often than I would, waiting to see what he would post, but being too scared to actually talk to him, although it's not like he would respond.
I start to look at his reposts on TikTok because I assume you can see what someone is actually like, but there is little to nothing... so I get disappointed, but my mind takes it as a challenge, something to consume it, thus I just keep looking... I keep thinking.
what if...
how about...
there is a reason...
text him, Text him, TEXT HIM.
Thoughts that shouldn't even concern me but yet they seem to, according to, well, me.
That's when the realization hits. Not the one that says, "you're obsessing over something to entertain your mind and delude yourself that life is interesting."
No, something even better, one that screams, "today is different and every day after that too." ...or so it feels like.
But now I wonder as I write this.
If I did fully talk to this guy, if I got to know him on a different level than I already do, would I still like him? Do I even like him right now?
Yes, I do. I mean, he likes the things I like.
He is physically my type
on top of that, he does hobbies I really admire.
We have so much in common...
But what else?
I mean, is that really it?
I mean, sure, that's a lot, but it's also nothing at all.
What do I like, like about him? If anything.
I don't know how I feel lately.
I don't know how to categorize anything I feel at this stage because it all feels fake.
Fabricated to suit a delusion that I have so much going on in my life that I can't bear it.
That's sad.
It makes me wanna ask myself.
Do you really like him, Blair?
Do you even know what you like?
I don't know blair... I really don't know.
i love this so much. i find the longing you write about so relatable. I've been wanting to move out and adventure for 14 years. its so close and yet so far. the reminiscing over the concept is driving me crazy.
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